The Cost Of People Pleasing On My Health And Quality Of Life.
The trigger that forced me to change my ways and chase my own dreams
Family and business are like oil and water. I say that as the voice of experience.
In 2010, I was managing the every day running of our family owned, seven-figure food business. The job was physically and mentally demanding - but as a people pleaser and younger sister out to prove herself, no task was above or beneath me. I worked 10 hour shifts rarely stopping for a break or anything more than a cup of tea. On any given day, my to-do list would have me running up or down stairs across three floors communicating orders to the staff, serving clients, training newbies, preparing food for the shop or for catering events.
When I wasn’t doing that I was in the office working on staff rotas, orders and coordinating shipping yard deliveries from multiple vendors in the UK and Ireland. It wasn’t the easiest job but I enjoyed the challenge. And besides I was the best person I knew at either doing what I was told or preempting what needed doing so I was perfectly qualified for it.
By the time I joined the business in 2003, my brother—a brilliant butcher but chaotic business man—was fast on his way to becoming one of Europe’s most reputable Butchers. How? Luck (he opened around the time of various meat industry crises like foot and mouth and dioxin), charm (buckets of it) and a niche selling grass-fed, bone-aged, Irish beef and organic produce to expats in Brussels (before anyone else was doing it, or even talking about it)
In 2005, he moved to London to open another high end butcher shop with my other brother, so without any formalities involved or demands, myself and my husband (a shareholder in the business) were left to keep up standards and grow the business in his absence. Initially he’d come back regularly and entertain us all with tales of how he’d come to shake hands with the future King Charles, his latest collaboration with celebrity chefs like Heston Blumenthal or the multi-millionaires he’d call friends.
Naturally as time passed he didn’t have the same time or inclination for the Brussels shop - but it was fine. He knew I’d inherited the responsibility gene in the family, and that together with my husband, we would do whatever it took to keep growing the profit line and not let standards slip in his absence.
It wouldn’t be long before we achieved that, the business would be at its most profitable……and yet everything would turn to 💩
The Breaking Point
Four years passed before he began to show up again. We knew he was on a mission to take back control, and anyone or anything that threatened it was fair game.
A lot had changed by then, not least the clientele but also the structure and ease at which the business ran. I wasn’t happy to standby and watch years of hard work unravel before my eyes. I was also a new mum by this time with a different set of priorities and a little person in my life far more deserving and appreciative of my time and efforts.
My people pleasing ways with my brother needed to stop. So when the demands became greater and harder to meet, I started to stick my heels in more, and as you’d expect, the situation quickly deteriorated.
I was done jumping through hoops for him. In all the time I’d worked for him, I never seemed to make an impression on him - and silly me thought that meant I needed to double down more in my efforts.
One Friday afternoon, late October, I received an email. It was a bridge too far. After 7 years, I’d had enough. It was time to clamour back what I could of my self-respect so I emailed him back…….. a letter of resignation.
And that was the beginning of a much-needed shift in my life.
It was a huge learning experience but it was also a gift. It forced me to consider what I wanted to do with my life, and to start chasing my own dreams - which I’d never even considered up until that point. And without it, I wouldn’t have overcome my people pleasing ways or found my way to doing what I love, which is exactly what I’m doing today.
The Real Cost of People Pleasing
People pleasing often stems from a desire for approval or fear of conflict. Hello mirror!! For years, I stayed in an unhealthy work environment for years, hoping that working harder and achieving more would finally earn my brother’s respect. But instead, I walked away with my self-esteem in tatters.
Take it from someone who knows - there are real and damaging consequences to people pleasing when it’s misdirected or abused. For me, the stress of my job, the deterioration in relations with my brother and feeling worthless would eventually catch up with me—leaving me on the brink of burnout, my hormones a mess, and unable to get pregnant when I wanted another child.
It took me a long time, a lot of inner work and a few self help books before I was able to separate my self-worth from how much I did for others. Having learned the hard way, I don’t just do things for people pleasing sake anymore. I do it for the genuine joy and energy it gives me to do it - on my terms.
Tip: Recognise any unhealthy patterns in your relationships—whether it’s always saying ‘yes’ or avoiding conflict at any cost. The first step you can take to change your ways is to change your awareness in your interactions. This will help you take back control over the situation and set boundaries that protect your well-being…… without compromising your health and happiness.
Setting Boundaries
After I resigned, I realised I had little to no boundaries at work. It didn’t matter if I was on or off the clock - if it was in the best interest of the business I did it. I said yes to everyone and everything - all the time. I was always trying to fix things and leave things right. I was in a constant state of ‘fight or flight’ - tired and wired! But no-one teaches you the importance of things like establishing your boundaries before you have to - you only ever figure it out the hard way.
Healthy boundaries are essential for conserving your mental and physical energy and avoiding burnout. Setting boundaries allows the space and clear thinking to say no to something that is of no benefit to you or your health—while opening up space for something better and more serving to come along.
Tip: Practice saying “no” gracefully and without guilt. Setting boundaries doesn’t make you selfish—it’s an act of self-preservation that will serve your best interests.
Build Self-Worth from Within, Not from External Validation
One of the biggest lessons I learned after walking away from the business was that self-esteem and self-worth can’t come from external approval. For years, I sought validation from other people, especially from my brother. When I became aware of what I had been doing and stopped chasing that external approval, it had a profound effect on my confidence.
When your self-worth is tied to external factors, you constantly feel stressed and anxious. Building your self-worth from within helps to reduce stress, to balance your nervous system and stop cortisol levels from being activated constantly - which helps keep your reproductive hormone happy, and your metabolic health in check, and boosts your sense of wellbeing.
Tip: Recognise your achievements and practice self compassion. Write out your daily wins and celebrate your small victories. This powerful exercise will help remind you everyday of what you achieved and how valuable your gifts and talents are.
Before I sign off
If you’re a hopeless people pleaser like I was, and it’s not serving your best interests, start by:
1. Recognising the real cost people-pleasing is having on your physical or mental health.
2. Putting boundaries in place, which will reduce your stress, and protect your time and well-being.
3. Building your self-worth from within, celebrate the small wins and ditch the need for external validation.
You don’t have to stay stuck in the cycle of over-giving or tether on the edge of burnout to be of service or value to the people/bosses/friends and family in your life. Take the first step toward a healthier, more balanced life by putting yourself first.
Start prioritising yourself today!
